Dear Ms. Brooks.

I hope - as an artiste of some small repute myself - that the mind-mine I am about to tread on in the sands of your cortex/vortex will be taken as an act of kindness, rather than the splashings of an infant Beelzebub in a steaming pool of its own fetid ordure:

I was unlucky enough to attend Somerset College of Advanced Things in the year 1954 with none other than the "eminent" (PAH!) Christopher P. Bacon or 'Streaky' as he was then known (& probably not for the reason you are thinking). I fear he has, once again, snared another hapless but talented creator with his seemingly irresistible blend of erudition, ferocious aftershave & perfectly formed elbows. Before you, too, become enmeshed in his web, like a lock of Leo Sayer's hair in a chewing gum sandwich (Where the bread is made from Blu-Tac. And it's being chewed by a great white shark.Who also happens to be gargling with porcupines. In a big vat of glue. And Pritt Sticks. You get the idea.) I hope you will permit me to relate a short but instructive tale.

I am sure that, as one who is herself trying to scale the mountain we call 'ART' on the spacehopper of her talent, the name Gethsemene Flintlock will not so much 'ring a bell' with you but behave very much as Roy Castle used to on 'Record Breakers' and play a wide variety of musical instruments to a questionable standard in a short period of time. Yes. THE Gethsemene Flintlock, founder of the poetic literalism school, creator of "Some Beef & a Thief on a Leaf" (1955. Sirloin steak, a pickpocket and oak leaf on carpet) & "A Pea, a Flea & a Bee in the Sea" (1957. Petit pois, insects and the English Channel on sea bed). Gethsemene tore into Somerset like a snooker cue into a cartoon snooker table in the spring of 1953 (indeed, he alluded to this retrospectively in "Some Baise, Some Maize & a Craze on a Dais" [1965.Green baise, sweetcorn and hoola-hoop on wooden platform]) causing all he met to either forgo any further attempts at creativity or follow his lead, as evinced by my own "Phone, Bone, Cote De Rhone, Traffic cone & Piece of Stone" (1954) - derivative? Of course, but GOD! I meant it at the time! Be that as it may, what I wish to convey to you is Streaky's detrimental effect on Gethsemene's ouvre. At first, Bacon merely lauded him along with the rest of us but soon he had inveigled his way into Geth's inner circle where he had a devastating effect. He started small; putting himself forward as part of "Man, Pan & Clan on a Flan" (1955. Streaky, sauteusse, the McDougals on quiche lorraine) but soon he used the charm that he is obviously using on you to influence the direction of that brilliant but suggestible young mind. Gethsemene's disastorous forays into minimalism (need I remind you of "Orange" ([1957. An orange.]) & surrealism - "Dave, Dee, Dozy, Beaky, Mick & Tich" (1965. Dave, Dee, Dozy, Beaky, Mick and Tich on Top of the Pops) were all the products of Christopher's frankly pathetic artistic leanings. While Gethsemene, after years of salt abuse, returned to form in the late '70s with, amongst other works "Some Beer (Wet), a Lear Jet & Richard Gere's Pet" (1979. 8 ace, aeroplane & chihuahua on tarmac) that somewhat labouriously titled but massively affecting juxtaposition of alcohol, technology and intensive grooming (she was called 'Honey' by the way) I think it is impossible to avoid the conclusion that Christopher, in effect, ruined Geth's career and ,almost certainly, the future of the universe. It is with this in mind that I implore you to release yourself from the bonds of this charlatan and ON NO ACCOUNT let him near your laundry basket.

With the future of civilisation in mind and your integrity at heart,

H. Ash-Brown